Messy.

Faith is messy. Profound, right?
There are tensions and paradoxes to faith. Things that I don't know what to think of or do with. Other people following the same God to figure out...
It's, well, messy.
Too often we expect faith to be a science (or math). If I put x,y,z into a beaker and stir then I should expect this result. If I follow these steps then I will have this outcome. Maybe this has worked in your life, but I can tell you it has not been the case for me. And quite honestly, I don't trust those who package faith this way.

Imagine if we approached marriage as a science? or friendships? If I do your laundry, compliment you, and maybe make your coffee then I can expect this from you. If we follow these steps our marriage will be perfect. No! So much gets figured out on the journey.

Someone once said faith is more like falling in love. At the time I heard this I was single and it made sense. It makes even more sense now that I am married. The thing called "love" my husband and I have for each other? I can describe and explain it yet never quite capture the essence of it in words. But it's real. I don't understand him sometimes. I don't know why he does the things he does, or quite understand fully why he loves me in return. But there is enough love and trust from what I do know and have seen to cover those things we don't understand about the other. This works for how I relate to God AND other believers...

When I was dating my husband, I didn't say, "Ok once I have you entirely figured out and understand you completely, then and only then I will marry you."
I would still be single.
Instead, I got to know him, asked questions, had so many conversations about so many diverse topics. I "fell in love" (which will be the subject of a whole other blog post someday- I choose to love my husband beyond that initial feeling...) with what I saw and chose to commit, knowing full well that I had only glimpsed a tiny bit of who he was. Everyday I learn something new about him, same with faith. Some things are hard and I wrestle with them. Some are awesome and make me love him more. Same with faith.

I don't have it all figured out. And the further I go on this journey the messier this thing called faith looks to me.

But there is enough love, trust, and hope to cover what I don't yet understand.

SHE MOVES

Sophie is crawling/scooting/cleaning the floor!
For the past few weeks she has been doing an awesome job of going backwards. Sunday she got it into first gear and went forward. Straight for the heating vent on the floor.
So awesome watching her explore the world (well the one that exists on the floor) and move around on her own steam. She is a determined little thing.
Now that is two posts for today, and I am done.
A serious one and a lighthearted one.
The End

Contentment

I have a theory about malls.
Most people are perfectly content with what they have, until they go to a mall and see what they could have.
I feel this way about my life sometimes.
I'm completely content, and generally in love with my life...
...and then I see what other people are doing...
and I need a moment to regroup.

I just caught up on what some of my former kids from another time in my life (when I was a youth worker) are doing. Crazy things. Hard things. Exciting things. Not folding laundry, walking dogs, being excited because they took the time to actually do something with their hair that needs to be cut so badly but who has the time?

But then I remind myself that God has put me in THIS life. My life. The one I really do love when I am not having a moment. The one that is crazy, hard and exciting all in it's own way. I need to live it faithfully. So I'm working on it.
Maybe some more coffee will help. yes? ;)

PS Sophie just woke up and smiled at me with her dimple and I was reminded that I wouldn't trade for anyone else's life. Ever.

One of "those"`

I have become one of "those" parents. Yes, it's true. I used to babysit and then nanny frequently for first time parents, and inevitably they would have the hardest time leaving their babies. Veteran parents dumped the baby and ran for their lives. Kidding. Sort of. I always sort of laughed at the newbies. "Your child will survive," I thought smugly to myself. Now I have a baby. I have left her one time for two hours in her six months of life and that was with Daddy. I leave her a few mornings a week for like 20 mins with a friend so I can walk my dog Max but that doesn't really count. Does it?
I have to get my haircut and I've been stressing over that because it is 2 hours I'll be gone at least. She won't take a bottle (she will drink out of a cup if need be) and won't go to sleep without nursing. And if she wakes up and is groggy she screams like a crazy person if someone she doesn't see every day is holding her. But I made the appointment (actually my mom made it, I think to make sure I would) and I'll be leaving Sophie with her.
I am one of "those" parents. But only about this. My daughter can share toys with sick kids, eat dirt, get licked by our dogs, crawl on floors in public places and I am fine. But leaving her is another story.... Sigh.