Adventures in nursing...

When I was pregnant, I didn't know a ton about nursing (breastfeeding). I had seen a few moms nurse and knew I wanted to but that was about it. So I read a ton. I watched videos on the internet. I researched and researched. Surprised?

By the time S. came along, while I had learned a lot, I still hadn't actually nursed a child. My thoughts went like this. "I want to nurse my baby, and I will. Period."I knew it had the potential to be hard, but I was in.  We had a rocky start at the hospital- she was taken to the NICU for her first day (and I was told that the only way to give her the colostrum I was pumping was to bottle-feed, or they would have to go to a feeding tube!). Thankfully, we got the hang of things the next day (and had a wonderful nurse tell us about finger-feeding expressed milk), but it was not easy. I received conflicting advice from "experts." When I was engorged, some told me to pump more to relieve engorgement and others said don't. ( The "don'ts" were right since breastfeeding is  supply/demand...the more you pump/supply the more your body will make). I ended up so engorged I looked like I had rocks under my skin almost up to my neck.

But we learned together, S and I. We made it through my oversupply of milk, her refusing to nurse because she associated it with sleep (and heaven forbid we try to get Miss Busy to sleep!), teething, mastitis and plugged ducts. And here we are 14 months later and still going. And I still love nursing. I don't know how long we will keep this up, and that is ok. Sitting in our chair tonight,  I realized nursing has been good for both of us. I tend to be a "keep moving" kind of person. Slowing down can be hard. Once something is done, I am on to the next. But I can't do that when S wants mama-milk. I sit in our chair and look at her baby face and slowly unwind a bit. My timelines have to adapt to her needs. She is a busy busy busy little thing too, so this is cuddle time for us as well. When we are out, it is really hard for me to stop and sit in the car to nurse instead of heading directly home, but really, where is the rush? There isn't anything that can't wait a few minutes. Nursing slows me down, and that is good for all of us.

This is a hard subject for me because I have dear friends who haven't been able to nurse, despite incredible efforts. While I want to share my adventures in being a mom, and nursing has been a huge part of that, ultimately, nursing isn't what makes a Mom. Love your babies well, enjoy them and do what works for all of you.

Hello again, still there?

Sadly, I realized my last post was from November. And there has been so much happening around here, but I was soooo very busy actually living life, to write about it. And sometimes that is a good thing. 
And sometimes it is time to return to the recording of it as well.

Christmas!

 What have we been up to? Well...since I have been absent from the blogging world,
we celebrated Sophie's first Thanksgiving, first Christmas (she got a push toy that was the beginning of her learning to walk). We celebrated Husband/Daddy coming home (we really celebrated that one!) and then Sophie's first birthday. And in between we celebrated in small ways all the little events that happen every day. Sophie putting random items of clothing on her head and walking around babbling until she gets our attention. Slinging shoes over her shoulder and putting them where she feels like they belong (to Daddy's chagrin when his shoes are found wet on the back porch). Walking the dogs and the adventure that can be. Sitting at a bookstore with my husband talking and eating cheesecake. 
Aside from all the events, I have been trying to work something out for myself these past few months, but more especially now. I love being a Mom, (even with the long hours, lack of sick days or vacation) but I don't want to be only Mom. Make any sense? For the past few days I have been trying to sort out things I love to do that are just me things. What makes me, me, aside from being wife and mom?

I "borrowed" husband's camera the other night and started just playing around. And then editing and playing with the results. It felt so good. I love photography but feel so far removed from it that even just taking a few somewhat decent photos (yes they were of Sophie, but she's an awesome subject) was refreshing. 

This is a true "Sophie" face,
but one she may have learned from me...

We looked at road bikes the other day, and I test rode one at a shop in town. Riding around the parking lot, remembering rides I used to do with friends, was again, refreshing. Now I am looking forward to possibly doing group rides again, maybe meeting people outside of mom/kid activities.
I am trying to find those things that were interests before Sophie came around, and maybe even find some new things just for me.
Sophie got hold of a cloth the other day and started using it to wipe the floor in random spots. It was cute watching her imitate something she has seen me do a thousand times, but what has stayed with me is that I don't want her to grow up seeing Mommy only doing laundry and wiping floors and cooking. None of these are bad things (and I mostly enjoy them), but there are so many other things I want my daughter to witness her mom doing. And so many other facets to me, that I need to find again.
More soon on what has been going on here , aside from my rambling thoughts!

It's been awhile, huh....

Here I sit on a Saturday night feeling bad b/c my blog has been sadly neglected (vs. happily neglected???). For those of you that noticed. Anyway.

I cannot think of a topic to talk about for a full blog right now, so I am going to leave you with my random list of thoughts. This is actually like an insider look into my brain...

1. I eat very healthy. Love fruits and veggies, and eats lots of them. I think kashi cereal is wonderful and sometimes have it for dessert. One of my proud moments was when my husband asked me to send him some b/c he not likes kashi too (and sometimes has it for dessert). Why is it then, that I have eaten half a batch of brownies by myself in the last 24 hrs?? And I'd do it all over again. And I've done it before too. This is why I limit the brownie making around here.

2. My daughter is 7 months old. My body was capable of growing a human life for 9 months inside and then continuing to grow and sustain her on the outside via exclusive breastfeeding (with some solids just being added in the past month). That's just amazing to me. I am beginning to understand why one of my friends said she had a healthier self image after having kids than before. Look at what my body can do people!

3. I miss my husband- I want to be wrapped up in a big bear hug by him and smell his neck. I'm huge into scents. Have I mentioned that? TMI?

4.My dog Jasper is the most awkward dog I know- he gets tangled in his own leash and then yelps like you are trying to kill him. He slides across floors b/c he is so nervous about walking on them that he tip-toes and this makes everything worse. I have seen him walk into a wall. He tried eating tile floors like he would eat kibble dropped on the floor. Twice. He will launch himself down half a flight of stairs rather than have to figure out how to make his legs go down all the stairs. But he is the happiest thing.

5. Feeding a baby takes a lot of patience. More than I think I have sometimes. Especially when she eats like Husband. Lots of conversation and less efficient eating. Maybe this is good for me?

Ok that's what I have right now. More soon.
Gnight

Messy.

Faith is messy. Profound, right?
There are tensions and paradoxes to faith. Things that I don't know what to think of or do with. Other people following the same God to figure out...
It's, well, messy.
Too often we expect faith to be a science (or math). If I put x,y,z into a beaker and stir then I should expect this result. If I follow these steps then I will have this outcome. Maybe this has worked in your life, but I can tell you it has not been the case for me. And quite honestly, I don't trust those who package faith this way.

Imagine if we approached marriage as a science? or friendships? If I do your laundry, compliment you, and maybe make your coffee then I can expect this from you. If we follow these steps our marriage will be perfect. No! So much gets figured out on the journey.

Someone once said faith is more like falling in love. At the time I heard this I was single and it made sense. It makes even more sense now that I am married. The thing called "love" my husband and I have for each other? I can describe and explain it yet never quite capture the essence of it in words. But it's real. I don't understand him sometimes. I don't know why he does the things he does, or quite understand fully why he loves me in return. But there is enough love and trust from what I do know and have seen to cover those things we don't understand about the other. This works for how I relate to God AND other believers...

When I was dating my husband, I didn't say, "Ok once I have you entirely figured out and understand you completely, then and only then I will marry you."
I would still be single.
Instead, I got to know him, asked questions, had so many conversations about so many diverse topics. I "fell in love" (which will be the subject of a whole other blog post someday- I choose to love my husband beyond that initial feeling...) with what I saw and chose to commit, knowing full well that I had only glimpsed a tiny bit of who he was. Everyday I learn something new about him, same with faith. Some things are hard and I wrestle with them. Some are awesome and make me love him more. Same with faith.

I don't have it all figured out. And the further I go on this journey the messier this thing called faith looks to me.

But there is enough love, trust, and hope to cover what I don't yet understand.

SHE MOVES

Sophie is crawling/scooting/cleaning the floor!
For the past few weeks she has been doing an awesome job of going backwards. Sunday she got it into first gear and went forward. Straight for the heating vent on the floor.
So awesome watching her explore the world (well the one that exists on the floor) and move around on her own steam. She is a determined little thing.
Now that is two posts for today, and I am done.
A serious one and a lighthearted one.
The End

Contentment

I have a theory about malls.
Most people are perfectly content with what they have, until they go to a mall and see what they could have.
I feel this way about my life sometimes.
I'm completely content, and generally in love with my life...
...and then I see what other people are doing...
and I need a moment to regroup.

I just caught up on what some of my former kids from another time in my life (when I was a youth worker) are doing. Crazy things. Hard things. Exciting things. Not folding laundry, walking dogs, being excited because they took the time to actually do something with their hair that needs to be cut so badly but who has the time?

But then I remind myself that God has put me in THIS life. My life. The one I really do love when I am not having a moment. The one that is crazy, hard and exciting all in it's own way. I need to live it faithfully. So I'm working on it.
Maybe some more coffee will help. yes? ;)

PS Sophie just woke up and smiled at me with her dimple and I was reminded that I wouldn't trade for anyone else's life. Ever.

One of "those"`

I have become one of "those" parents. Yes, it's true. I used to babysit and then nanny frequently for first time parents, and inevitably they would have the hardest time leaving their babies. Veteran parents dumped the baby and ran for their lives. Kidding. Sort of. I always sort of laughed at the newbies. "Your child will survive," I thought smugly to myself. Now I have a baby. I have left her one time for two hours in her six months of life and that was with Daddy. I leave her a few mornings a week for like 20 mins with a friend so I can walk my dog Max but that doesn't really count. Does it?
I have to get my haircut and I've been stressing over that because it is 2 hours I'll be gone at least. She won't take a bottle (she will drink out of a cup if need be) and won't go to sleep without nursing. And if she wakes up and is groggy she screams like a crazy person if someone she doesn't see every day is holding her. But I made the appointment (actually my mom made it, I think to make sure I would) and I'll be leaving Sophie with her.
I am one of "those" parents. But only about this. My daughter can share toys with sick kids, eat dirt, get licked by our dogs, crawl on floors in public places and I am fine. But leaving her is another story.... Sigh.